


LONGING

by mumofthreedevils



Series: Starcrossed [2]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Conflicted Kylo Ren, Hux is Not Nice, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-20
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 18:30:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9397658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mumofthreedevils/pseuds/mumofthreedevils
Summary: Kylo's POVIt wasn’t until he was assigned to the Finalizer that he truly felt alone and empty and his soul ached.





	

Kylo was alone. He’d never really felt alone before. He’d never had the time. As a child, he was surrounded by people. His Mother, his Father, his Uncle, the other children at his Uncle’s long gone Academy, countless resistance friends and ambassadors.

Even after that, he’d never had the time to feel lonely. Snoke worked him to exhaustion, told him that the suffering would make him stronger, make him a leader. He was forever doing Snoke’s bidding and he was even given subordinates, his knights, to help with his dominance and in some small way, he supposed, they helped to ease his loneliness. But they weren’t true friends and certainly not partner material.

It wasn’t until he was assigned to the Finalizer that he truly felt alone and empty and his soul ached.

He was standing in the middle of the training hall, barefoot, sweat dripping down his face. His Loose black jogging pants and black vest clinging to his body. He had been working through his regular sabre training routines, working out his frustration after he’d practically had a meltdown and he ended up injuring three troopers, when he’d noticed that Hux was watching him. He had no idea how long he’d been standing there and he’d stopped to face Hux with his heart hammering. Hux had obviously come to say something but fumbled his words.

A flush had appeared over Hux’s collar and before Kylo knew what was happening, Hux had practically run out of the room.

Kylo wanted to call after him, but there was no stopping him. Kylo was left in the middle of the training hall with a dilemma. Should he go after Hux?

He paced up and down and tried to regain control of his breathing.

“THINK DAMN IT, THINK!!”

The emotions he had felt radiating from Hux were intoxicating and confusing.  
Anger, bitterness, passion, lust.  
Passion and lust? Hux couldn’t be feeling those things….. could he?

He falls to his knees as if to meditate and the events of the last few months flood his mind. 

When he’d arrived on board the Finalizer he was greeted by an angry General, who clearly did not take kindly to being told he had to Co-command. But something about the General struck a chord with Kylo. The icy stare and the clipped accent accompanied by a slight snarl of the lips sent shivers down Kylo’s spine. He was glad he had his helmet to hide the blush.

Kylo could not hide feelings. He never could. They played out on his face like an open book, so he decided that the helmet would stay in place in public but this only served to isolated him even more.  
Without his knights for company and with troopers and officers too wary to come close to him, not a single soul to commune with, Kylo had truly begun to feel loneliness for the first time in his life. 

In moments of frustration, Kylo had lashed out at equipment and this, he noticed, did get him some attention. Specifically, from the General. Even the harsh and bitter words of Hux when he was being reprimanded were enough to temporarily satiate Kylo and he began to crave those moments.

But even these moments began to feel wrong. Kylo tried to stop, he really did, but he just needed the interaction. Fleeting moments with Hux, but they began to feel heavy on his shoulders.

He remembers the day he’d decided enough was enough. He’d just come back from a mission that had gone very badly and he was particularly frustrated. He was stomping down a corridor with his fists clenched, silently reprimanding himself for being so stupid when he heard Hux yell for him to stop.

Kylo had stopped dead in his tracks, took a deep breath and dropped his shoulders in resignation. He’d made his decision, it was now or never. He brought his hands up to release the clasps on his helmet. As he lifted his helmet from his head, he’d turned to look at Hux. Face to face for the first time. He felt conflicted and he actually felt scared as he looked at Hux.

Kylo had expected a barrage of abuse but was confronted by silence. Hux looked at him, stunned into silence. He stepped back with wide eyes and obviously had much to say but his brain just didn’t want to engage his mouth. Kylo could feel waves of anger radiating from Hux but they were mixed with feelings of confusion, surprise, and again, passion and lust. 

“Hux?” Kylo queried.

As he spoke for the first time without his vocoder, Hux looked startled. A flush had appeared over his collar and crept up his neck. He’d closed his mouth and turned on his heels and left.

“Hux!” Kylo yelled after him as he realised, beyond all hope, that there was a mutual attraction.

For weeks after that event, Hux had been noticeably avoiding him. Kylo had tried contacting Hux but was ignored. His usual frustrations were just ignored. Kylo was bereft, utterly alone, with feelings he didn’t know what to do with and the knowledge that Hux felt the same way but was refusing to act on them. 

Kylo came to the shuddering conclusion that he couldn’t carry on like this. He wasn’t prepared for a lifetime of misery. He had to allow himself ‘something’. He had to know if Hux felt the same way. He stood up and left the room.

He didn’t care that he was still in his vest and jog pants, didn’t care that he was still barefoot, didn’t even care that he was sans helmet and that he was getting some very odd looks from passing officers and troopers. He practically ran through the corridors until he found himself at the door to Hux’s quarters.

There he stood, trying to catch his breath, wondering whether he should make his presence known.

“IDIOT”

Kylo jumps as he hears Hux yell. He can feel Hux’s conflict and his anger, aimed at himself and not at Kylo. Kylo can feel his own heart hammering and starts to pace. What should he do? He’s come this far.

Several minutes pass and Kylo decides to make his move. He can feel Hux’s elevated anxiety, can almost taste the Brandy that Hux is drinking and he feels Hux’s arousal as he sits in his bath thinking about…….. him?!

He’s sure now, knows that Hux is thinking about him. He raises a hand and overrides the door that silently slides open. He takes a deep breath and enters the quarters.

Hux’s quarters are exactly what Kylo had expected. Spotlessly clean, regimented and minimal. Kylo slowly makes his way towards the fresher.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” He hears Hux mutter to himself as he reaches the doorway.

Hux is reclined in his bath with his eyes closed, his hair unusually ruffled with the steam from the bath and his pale skin flushed with the heat. Kylo can’t remember the last time he saw something so beautiful. He’s mesmerised.

“How the hell did you get in here?”

Kylo is startled back to reality as Hux opens his eyes.

“How dare you! Get out!”

Kylo can feel the venom in Hux’s voice and steps back. 

“Go away! Get off my ship!”

Kylo is stunned. He knows Hux is conflicted. He knows Hux feels the same way but he can also feel Hux’s shame and anger. He takes another step back.

“I’ve had enough! Do you hear me?!”

The look in Hux’s eyes is enough to make Kylo turn to leave. He should never have come here. Should have left things as they were. He should have suffered in silence.

“WAIT REN!!”

Kylo stops. His stomach is in knots. Does he stay? Does he wait to see what Hux’s next move is?

He turns slowly to look at Hux, not daring to believe anything good will come of it.

“Stay”


End file.
